You Are Not Your Past

You are not your past.

Let that sink in.

Most of us don't think that way at all.  We think we have to stay stuck doing what we have always done.  Once we start something, we cannot quit.  If we put time in something, we can't admit it was a mistake and end it.

But that is not how you move away from a mediocre or even a miserable life.  You have to stop doing what you were doing...i.e. your past...and do something else.

You can change. You can change massively. You can change ins huge ways in an instant.

The type of changes I have made in my life are astounding.

You Are Not Your Past
What I've Quit and Changed

Me out enjoying life at a coffee shop

You are not your past. Within the last 8 years I have:

  • Quit a marriage.  I left a verbally abusive wife and finalized a divorce
  • Quit excessive debts as a result of a marriage and divorce.  I went bankrupt.
  • Quit an expensive house.  The house we lived in together was foreclosed.
  • Had the children awarded to my ex-wife by the court
  • Taken my son from his mother because he needed to get away from her. No attorneys, no judges, no courts, no permission.  I just did what was right.
  • My daughter ran away from her mother to live with me. Now I have both children with me.
  • Dealt with my ex with firmness and kindness. I deal with her from a position of strength, not weakness.
  • Lost weight.
  • Started lifting weights after at least 14 years of not lifting and have made outstanding gains.
  • Spent a lot of time in the sun and actually have a nice tan and I look like a healthy, vibrant man, not a pale, white, flabby old man.
  • Written 5 books.
  • Started websites. I decided that I will make my living on the internet in the future. You are not your past, especially in the way you make your living.
  • Increased my testosterone levels.
  • Learned how to be better with women.
  • And the biggest change of all was thinking that I matter.

I matter enough to keep making changes until I am happy.  You are not your past and neither am I.


From Adam Gilad

For Men

I did go to one of Adam's Bold Weekend Intensives.  It was outstanding and highly recommended.  I linked to this article for one of my favorite quotes from Adam -

You can’t live a Bold Life, if the past is strangling you, tied by a rope to your neck.

 Boldness means the boldness of striking out afresh, dusting yourself off, licking your wounds and creating new beginnings.  No matter what.


These changes in my life have been massive to me. I went from being pushed around by my wife to not being pushed around by anyone. You are not your past was the idea I kept in my head. I do not have to continue to take her verbal abuse, I do not deserve to be treated this way. I decided not to deal with her so I don't.

It is my life to lead the way I want, not hers to tell me what to do.

I left my wife and hoped the kids would not hate me for it. They don't.

They are are not going to stay with a person who is not good to them.

It took me a long time to come to terms with that idea. With them, it did not take so long. With you, you can learn from my mistakes.

It is your life to live as you see fit. You matter. You are not here to be pushed around by anyone, including your wife.

You can make these types of massive changes. You just decide and do it. You do not need anyone's permission to do it either.

If you want to leave your wife, you do it. You do not need her permission. You do not need the courts permission. You do not need your church's permission, or her families, or your families or your children's permission. You do what you know in your heart you need to do.

You have to spend enough time determining what is in your heart. Far too many men do not do this.

You Stay Too Busy

  • At work
  • With chores
  • Doing errands
  • With excessive activities
  • Following TV shows
  • Watching too much sports
  • Doing things for others that they should be doing themselves
  • Bending over backwards trying to please a demanding person
  • And all kinds of other things that steal tremendous amounts of your time.

None of this serves you.  It only steals your time, sapping your energy and leaves you with nothing.


Most of normal society will ridicule the idea of leaving your wife.

What You Normally Hear

  • Stay and work it out
  • Couples counseling
  • Love her more
  • Give her more understanding
  • A real man does not leave his wife
  • A man should just grin and bear it
  • You need to tough it out
  • A mans job is to make his wife happy
  • If mama ain't happy, nobody is happy

All wrong.

All wrong because the only one who is not in the mix is the most important one, you.


It is your life and if you made a bad choice of wife or she has changed in a way that you cannot accept or if you have changed in some way that makes you two being together no good, then you just leave her. It is as simple as that.

You matter. Just as much as anyone else, even your wife. If being married to her is not making you happy in whatever way, then you must leave.

It is difficult to leave. It can be extremely difficult. When I left it was a messy, painful disaster that hurt everyone.

But we have all lived through it. I would do it again in a heartbeat. The only thing I would have done differently would be to leave years earlier. Water under the bridge. I left when I could bear it no more and I am a better man for it. The side benefit is that the kids are much better off. Hopefully, my ex-wife will some day be better for it. She deserves a good life, in spite of what she put me through.

Once you start to think you should leave, get your thinking done fast and make a decision. If you decide to leave, leave as soon as possible. The longer you stay married the harder it will be on everyone, especially you.

Staying days, weeks, months or even years beyond when you know you should have left will not help you. It only prolongs the pain and makes it even more difficult.

There is never a good time to leave either. Any time you leave it will be hard, it may be too hard to even imagine. But realize that you are not your past, you do not have to continue to live in a way that is not good for you.

But that is what you must do. You must imagine it, think what it would be like to be free of her. Think of all the possible scenarios. Play them out in your mind. Write them down. This is why you need to have lots and lots of free time for this mental work. You will not be able to do this during commercials or while you are waiting in the car for something. You need massive amounts of time to actually think about your life.

You do not have to keep doing things that are not helping you. You are not your past.

› You Are Not Your Past

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