What Holds Men Back

What holds men back?  Back from living a great life.  Back from advancing in your career.  Back from meeting the people you want to meet.  Back from the relationships you want to have.  Back from doing what you want to do.  Back from ending what  you need to end.

Not living your life, a life that has an expiration date, as you want is extremely frustrating.  Do you feel like you are living a mediocre or even poor life? 

What holds men back from living life true to yourself?  I think this little story from my recent past helps to illustrate part of the problem.

The Story

I was at a holiday house party hanging out with 2 great friends from high school and 1 from college. We have been great friends all these years (we're in our 50's).  When we get together it's always a great time reminiscing about the crazy days of our youth, catching up on events now and just enjoying the hell out of being together.

We were drinking fairly heavily, joking around, making sarcastic remarks to people we knew and people we didn't, having a great time and laughing out loud.  I was laughing so hard my sides actually hurt.

We were having one of those best times of the year nights.  A highlight night.  The kind of fun night that can sustain you for years.  The kind of night I truly love and think every man should have as often as he could.

Again, we are in our 50's, not teenagers.

Me at the party, laughing and joking around having a great time

But the hostess of the party did not appreciate our fun.

We were laughing too loud.  We were drinking too much.  We were not reserved.  She did everything she could to control us.  Shushing us.  Trying to get us to separate.  Telling us to act our age.   Rolling her eyes and finally leaving us be.

Of course, we will probably not be invited to another party there if she has her way.

This reminded me of how society wants us men to be.

Quiet.  Not saying much.  Asking permission.  Just working.  In the background.  Available to do something for someone else.  Just an errand boy.  Shut up.  No laughing.  No having fun.  No joking around.  No sarcastic remarks about the truth of the situation.

No inappropriate comments or offensive jokes.  Certainly no laughing out loud at them.  No poking fun at others.  No joking around.

Your job as a man is to work, to serve, to keep your mouth shut and hopefully die young without too much of a fuss and leaving most of the money you accumulated through your hard work and your intelligent planning to others.

Society would say you, the man,  have no right to have fun.  You have no right to laugh.  You have no right to enjoy yourself.  You have no right to enjoy the money you earned.

Is that your true life?  Is that how you see yourself?  Are you just here to work hard serving others and do their bidding?

Or should you have a bit of fun before you hit the grave?  Do you want to drink and joke around with good friends and cool strangers, getting a little wild, saying what you want, laughing at the top of your lungs until your sides ache and having the time of your life?

Do you want to speak up at work and move forward in your career?

Do you want to spend some of the money you earned doing some of the things you want to do?

Do you want to go up and introduce yourself to women you find attractive and see what happens?

Do you want to make a massive change in your life like changing careers or leaving your wife?

What Holds Men Back Video

What Holds Men Back - Summary

  1. Seriousness
  2. Fear of Looking Foolish
  3. Societal Rules, being a rule follower
  4. Discomfort with your looks
  5. Feelings of Unworthiness
  6. Worry about the future.

What Holds Men Back - Seriousness

I spent most of my life being too serious.  First as a child, then into high school, quite a bit of my college years and almost my entire marriage.

I'm thankful I learned how to have fun at the end of my senior year in high school.  I may have spent the rest of my life living as a super serious guy without having a bit of fun my entire life.

Some solutions

  • Poke fun at everything
  • Take the absurd side of things
  • Laugh more in general
  • Mishear
  • Look for the joke
  • Think that every woman wants you sexually, every man is a potential friend and that anyone wanting to take power over others is someone who needs to be ridiculed and mocked.
  • You probably need to drink.  Usually a bit of beer is enough.  There is no real need to go overboard getting wasted. 
  • I don't think drugs are necessary either.  It never seems like people who get high do it to have fun. Drugs seem like a waste of time to me.

Why not just have a few beers or a few mixed drinks, get a little loose and have a good time?  You won't be so hungover the next day so you can be productive.  You don't have to worry about losing control of yourself like with excessive amounts of hard liquor and you don't have to worry about dying like if you get into the wrong drugs.

Of course I know that some people tend to go overboard with the drinking.  If that's you...stop...please.

I am talking about men who go overboard with the seriousness and need a bit of liquid courage to loosen up a bit.

What Holds Men Back
Fear of Looking Foolish

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

from Frank Herbert, Dune

I always have loved that quote.

Start looking for ways to try to overcome your fears.

Fear of meeting new friends and new women.  Fear of making changes.  Fear of speaking up.  Fear over making changes.  Fear of trying something new.  Fear of other people.  Now we have the fear of the virus.

The more you can get past this fear, the better your life becomes.  Both for your social life and your career.

Career-wise, getting up in front of people for public speaking is a great way to show you are bold, on the way up in your career and shows a mastery of what you are working on.  It certainly conveys confidence.

At least start speaking up at work whenever you get the chance.

Going up to meet people socially is another great way to start to overcome your fears and increase your happiness.  Introduce yourself.  To men and women.  I know you want to meet more women, but meeting guys is good too.  I have had lots of fun with men, chatting, getting to know them, partying and having a good time.

This is a step by step process of increasing your social confidence and decreasing your fear.  You don't have to go from an introverted, shy person who never speaks up to an extremely extroverted life of the party guy who is always  talking in a few minutes.

Step by step.  Day by day.  The way you learn anything.  Little by little.

From Kill Your Inner Loser -

Go Talk to More Girls

Favorite quotes -

You’ll find the more girls you hit on, the more you just dive right in and take action rather than sitting around overthinking everything – the majority of your problems will magically take care of themselves.

Keep improving yourself (looks, style, bodyfat, muscle, social life) – and keep hitting on girls. That’s all you have to do to get laid and become a better man.

What Holds Men Back
Following Societal Rules

The lady in my story fell for these societal rules, hook, line and sinker.  Instead of being happy to help host a party where people were having the time of their lives, she felt like a failure for allowing men to laugh and was determined to stop our fun.

Kind of like the entire world.

Success comes from going outside the rules.  Not following rules.  Mostly what people want is grown men, being nice, obedient boys.  Your success only comes from being a non-obedient, rule breaking man in charge of his own life.  Doing what society wants makes for a terrible life for you.

I think the more you laugh at the ridiculousness of the societal rules the happier you will be.  At least recognize them.  That is a start.

What Holds Men Back
Discomfort Over Your Looks

First off, men overemphasize looking good and feel that if they were not born good looking, they have no chance.


You can dramatically improve your looks through simple, straightforward ways.  Plus you have the earned satisfaction of improving yourself through your own efforts.

Improving Your Appearance is Straightforward

  • Weight training to develop sexy muscles 
  • Eat properly to flatten your belly 
  • Get some color on your skin from the sun
  • Remove enough body hair that it doesn't obscure your muscles 
  • Get a good haircut
  • Wear contacts as it is nearly impossible to look good in glasses
  • Grow some facial hair
  • Buy some nice clothes and shoes
  • Organize your life so you have plenty of energy
  • Get more sleep
  • Relax about the whole process about what holds men back and be more relaxed in general

What Holds Men Back
Feelings of Unworthiness

I was trying to find a Blackdragon video that addresses this perfectly,  but couldn't. 

Basically, he points out that since we all are so different, with the circumstances of our birth so ...we should be so proud of ourselves and what we have to offer.

Each of us is unique.

What Holds Men Back
Worry About the Future

Another issue.  What if I stay out too late tonight that I can't get up early for work tomorrow?  What is I spend too much money?  What if that place is better than here?  How will I afford health insurance if I get a different job?  Will I be poor in my old age if I don't save most of my money now?  Will I be able to meet women if my friends that I go out with all get married?  Will I meet other women?

Do what you can to make your future easier, reduce debts, develop a pension,  live your life in a way so you can work longer, stay healthy and vigorous.  But more importantly, make today really good.  And keep doing that everyday.

What Holds Men Back
Wrap Up

You do not want to be held back.  You want to boldly push your life forward.  Happily doing what you want to do and living a life true to yourself.

And you can.

› What Holds Men Back

The only way I could become the happier man I am today was by leaving my wife.  You might be in the same situation I was in.  I suggest you take a look at my book - Leave Your Wife & Become a Happier Man with the 3 Step System.

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